The year I became a Mom

2016 will always have a special place in my heart because it's the year that I became a mom. A mom is something I've (almost) always wanted to be. I grew up dreaming of having 5 kids and being a great homemaker but it always seemed like just that-- a dream. When I graduated high school suddenly it all seemed much more real and forthcoming and I got scared. Everyone teased me about going off to BYU and getting married my first semester of college and even though I was actually really excited to get married I wasn't ready yet. I graduated high school with BIG dreams. I wanted to get an education and I wanted to do that through traveling and seeing and experiencing the world. I was not about to get married and settle down at 18. But I honestly didn't know if it was okay to have these dreams and ambitions. I loved the Gospel and I had always been taught that it was my calling here on this Earth to become a wife and mother. So was I wrong not to want that right away? I remember walking with my mom one morning and asking her if it was bad that I felt this way. I told her that I did want to be a mom--someday--but I didn't have that desire just yet. She comforted me and told me that was perfectly fine. She assured me that when the time was right I would feel it and know it. She probably doesn't even remember that conversation and has no idea how much comfort those simple words brought me.

Well, my dreams came true. After successfully finishing a semester at BYU unwed I moved to London to study abroad. After that I headed on my next adventure--serving a mission. While serving as a full time missionary I grew to love and appreciate mothers. I spent a lot of time with young moms in the wards and branches I served in and I couldn't help but admire them. And--finally--I wanted to be just like them. Throughout my mission my desire to be a mom grew and grew and grew. I no longer believed that my purpose in life was to be a mother-- I knew it. I knew it was true for me personally. I had sacred experiences with my heavenly father where he taught me just how sweet and precious of a calling motherhood truly is. I have so much love and respect for mothers and I KNOW He does too. I could go on and on about the sacredness of motherhood. Near the end of my mission I received a very clear impression from God that it was time for me to go home, get married, and start a family. I didn't have anyone waiting for me so I had no idea how this was going to happen but I trusted in Him and told Him I would follow His plan.
Four short days after getting home from my mission I walked around temple square with Ben. Shortly after that we were talking about marriage and shortly after that we were talking about having a family. We talked about what we would name our kiddos before we were even "officially" engaged haha.
However, we 'logically' decided that we would wait at least a year to get pregnant after we got married. That didn't stop us from talking about it all the time, though. After taking an inspired class at BYUI together we realized that we needed to follow God's plan--not our own. So we began to pray about it and realized we'd be starting our family much sooner than we had thought! Once again I was scared. Was I really ready to be a mom?? Would I be a good mother? How are you even supposed to know how to be a mom? But yet again God calmed all of my worries and reminded me how sacred the calling of motherhood is. I knew if I relied on Him that I could do it and that it would be the hardest and most rewarding thing I had ever done. So we trusted him and before we knew it we were expecting our first baby.

We were SO excited.

Fast forward 9 months. Giving birth to Ellie was a sacred and sweet experience. Yes, it hurt A LOT but it was so worth it and seriously so sacred. I told Ben minutes after I delivered Ellie that I would do it all over again. I held Ellie for the first time and realized I was finally a Mom. The short time we had in the hospital was so sweet. I couldn't get enough of Ellie and I couldn't believe she was ours. I looked at her and thought over and over--- I'M HER MOM. And I knew that that's what I am here to be and that it's the most important thing I'll ever be.
Then, we had to leave the hospital and go home. And I realized just how much I didn't actually know about being a mom. I didn't know how much pain I would be in the days after giving birth. I didn't know how bad it would hurt to nurse or that I would be nursing almost every hour. I didn't know that she wouldn't sleep the first couple weeks which meant that I wouldn't sleep the first couple weeks. All of these realities bore down upon me pretty hard and I felt so inadequate. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and like I was drowning. I let Ben do a lot of the taking care of her because I was scared. I was scared to go to bed because I knew I would be up most of the night with her wondering what in the world I was supposed to do for her. I was scared when Ben would leave for work because I felt like he knew how to help her and I didn't. I cried a lot and I doubted myself a lot.
But I still knew that this was God's plan and this is what I was supposed to do. I just didn't know how to do it. So, I turned to Him. It took me time but after a few very hard weeks I decided to replace my fear with faith. Slowly but surely I was able to become more confident as a mother. It took a lot of prayer and humility but I know now that I don't have to be perfect. As long as I'm doing the best that I can, Christ will help me to be exactly what Ellie needs.

I can't express the love that I have for my daughter. I am so grateful to be a mother--to be her mother. I'm learning every day why being a mother is such a sacred calling because I'm learning every day how to rely more fully on Christ. There's a quote that says a mother's love is the closest love to the love that Christ has for us and  I'm so grateful for the glimpse that I've gotten of how He feels about me through the love that I have for Ellie. I know that there are many hard days to come but honestly I wouldn't trade any of it. Seeing Ellie happy and growing and learning and just getting to spend time with her makes it all worth it. I wouldn't want to be anything other than her mommy.

I'm so grateful for my own patient mother who helped me to understand God's timing and to be the mom that I am today. I'm grateful for Ben who is the best dad that Ellie could ever hope for. I wouldn't want to be a parent with anyone else! I'm grateful for Ellie who makes being a mom the best job in the world. And I'm SO grateful for my Father in Heaven who prepared me before I even came to this Earth for this sacred, sweet calling. I know that everyone's story is different but I'm grateful that this is mine.

2016 will always hold a very special place in my heart, but I can't wait for many more wonderful years (and hopefully children ;) ) to come!